Thursday, August 25, 2016

It hurts so much worse now. Every  time the phone rings I think it's mom. And every time I have that gut wrenching realization that it can't be her. I have nightmares and I go from not sleeping to not being able to stay awake.

Brett was off last week which helped. Now he's back to work and it's tough. I miss him and I feel so alone. I am not feeling like a winning parent lately. I yell and lose my shit. I'm so agitated.

Today I sat in front of a grandma and a daughter in law and listened to them talk about a little boy just like my mom and I talked about Jack when he was little. I felt like I had the wind knocked out of me.

I took the kids shopping for school supplies. Finally. I'm about a month late. That was $240. Still have to buy clothes. I put everything off because I feel like I can't enjoy anything because she's not here. I usually enjoy back to school shopping. Nothing is enjoyable anymore. She would have been proud of Jack checking prices and comparing quantities. He basically shopped by himself and I watched.

I go back to work in a little more than a week. I feel ready once in awhile until it all falls apart again and them I'm terrified. I have to change my schedule. It was so early before which worked when they could be at her house in the morning and afternoon.

I feel like even though I appreciated her but I didn't show it. She knew I loved her but I didn't show it well. I was not a good daughter.

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