Monday, September 19, 2016

Every Day Takes Me Further Away

I hate that I get further from the last time I talked to my mom every day. I had a dream the other night that I would be able to talk to her one last time if I hurried but I wasn't fast enough. I sometimes feel like she's just out of reach. I could get to her if I just could go back to her house. Of course I do go back to her house to feed the cats and of course she's not there. And sometimes it feels like she's so far away. I can't remember the sound of her voice.

And I feel like I can't do anything fun or look forward to anything. I should have done more with her when she was here. I should have made sure she was more included. Why do I get to do fun activities when I didn't include her while she was here? And looking forward to anything knowing she won't be here is just heartbreaking. I always loved fall. I was dreading it earlier in the summer because the kids would be back in school and I enjoy the free time when they are not stuck doing homework all evening. Now there is a cloud over everything knowing that mom won't be here for all of our family activities. Last year Steve and Kirsten and the family and Mom came over on Halloween for dinner and trunk or treating. I was looking forward to something similar again. I still would like to do something but it won't be the same.

I hate this.

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