Life at our house

It is so hard to have to visit the babies. We don't get a lot of time there since we have Jack. When he's with us I feel rushed because he's running around the nursery, being a normal three year old. When he's with Gramma I feel like we're imposing (AGAIN-for the 900th time this summer!) and I want to get home to relieve her - especially since school has started and she has to work every day.

I just want them home where we can spend some real time with them. I'm tired of not being the one taking care of them. I feel like I don't know anything about them - I don't know their personalities because I spend an average of 45 minutes a day with them. What kind of parenting can you do when that's all the time you have with your kids? I don't want them to come home until they're ready since that wouldn't be safe for them; I just want them to be ready already. They'll be 3 weeks old tomorrow. I'm still pumping milk for them although it's slow going. My milk supply was cut down to less than half of what it was when I got sick. I know stress can be a problem and I know I'm under a lot of it. I was denied Long Term Disability through my work because I was pregnant before I signed up. Of course I asked my HR person about that three times and she assured me it would not be a problem. So here we are expecting that income and we're not going to receive anything. That's a big stressor. I contacted La Leche League about the low milk supply situation and the woman was ultra helpful. She told me that a lot of mom's don't get dressed all day because it takes the stress off. I know all of you who know me well enough will know that that would only make me crazy. I take a shower before I do anything else in the morning and then I get dressed. If I don't I start feeling like a lump and actually, if I started doing that it would be a sign that I was getting depressed. She also suggested I get someone else to do my housework for me or just not worry about it at all. I'll just snap my fingers and get a fairy in to do my housework for me. There really isn't anyone who can do it for me. I told her that I would be far more stressed if I didn't do some of the stuff that needed doing. I had explained about the financial issues because I have been referred to rent a hospital grade pump and my insurance won't cover it. This is her exact response, "Maybe because of the financial situation, it might be time to try ebay to get rid of some of the things that take your time to clean in order to get around this financial hump." I didn't email her back. I'm not going to argue with the lady but here I am thinking, "Yeah right, lets get rid of the dishes and all of our clothes and the toilet." I don't know what she thinks I'm trying to keep up on here but it's really only the basics. Anyone who knows me and has been to my house knows I'm no fastidious housekeeper. I do have to take care of things like the spots on the carpet where the dog threw up and the laundry and the dishes. I don't have extra things that I'm cleaning... I can't imagine that many people have a lot of stuff that they could sell in order to save time cleaning unless you're talking about knick knacks and dusting. Since I haven't dusted in 3 years I don't think that applies to me. I have to say I was a little insulted. We're not living beyond our means and we don't have expensive things that we don't need that could be sold for extra money. I'm reminded of a former neighbor who was being evicted but chose to spend money on an expensive TV and stereo system. That's just not us.

Anyway, I didn't find her to be very helpful. The lactation consultants at the hospital are more helpful but they charge for their services and my insurance will only cover them when I'm hospitalized. Also, we rented a pump the first week I was home and we returned it to the nursery and now they can't find it. They keep asking me if I have it. I finally told them today that if I had it I would be using it and I wouldn't be having the problems I'm having. I told the babies' nurse today when she asked me about it that I was a little worried because I turned it in and I don't want to have to pay for it if they lost it. She told me not to worry about it and she told me that she promised them to ask me but that she told them to quit asking me about it if I already told them I turned it in. I have to say that I really like the nurses there. They are great. It helps a lot because I know the girls are doing well and are taken care of by people who really care.