Hidden Crazy

I'm back. I didn't know where else to go. For years I shared stories here and followed stories that others posted. Then came Facebook and this fizzled out.

I came back because I remembered my mom's blog and I wanted to read some of what she wrote. Mom's gone now. She passed away of sepsis from a kidney infection not quite 3 weeks ago. I'm dying a little on the inside every day that I'm without her. I guess I seem like I'm doing ok to other people. Maybe I've gotten better at hiding it with my years of experience with GAD and depression. My natural inclination is to keep my crazy hidden as much as I can. I've gotten much better at hiding my feelings.

I can't sleep except when I can't stay awake. I cry hard and then the tears run out and I'm left with that uncomfortable feeling in the center of my eyes and nose which tells me I need to cry but I can't anymore. I don't worry though; I know that they will be back.

I think most of us have that ONE person. The one who knows us so well that difficult conversations are had more by body language than spoken language. The ONE person isn't just someone you love, but someone you need. This person can comfort and reassure better than anyone else.

My mom has always been my ONE. When Amelia died she sat with me the hours that Brett was at work. That was such a hard time. As hard as that was, this is so much worse. But what do you do when the only one who can really comfort you is the one that's gone?

I have always seen people who lose a parent begin to function in the real world so quickly. What is wrong with me? Sometimes I can barely breathe. I just want to give up. If I didn't have kids then I probably would.

I need her to come back. This feels like a horrible nightmare that I will awake from. When I picture her in my mind I think "Oh, no worries. She's the one I absolutely can't live without. She will be back." It hurts to find out over and over again that she won't.