Friday, October 07, 2016

Life

I signed the kids up for a grief group at the local children's hospital. They have a support group that meets at the same time for the parents. We went for the first time night before last. It was good. The kids do fun things and talk a little about how hard it is. I'm also going to a bereavement class. I have learned a lot already. I like the people in the class a lot. They are all very kind. It's a crap shoot when you mix a bunch of strangers up like that.

Last week I had a mini panic attack when I remembered that my mom was cremated. I thought Oh My God we can't undo that. I just can't accept that she's gone. It doesn't make sense because I know that she is gone but when I think about what that means my mind just shuts down and I start crying.  

I spend a lot of time at my desk crying quietly and hoping no one walks by and sees me. I was off work for almost two months after she passed and I have to rejoin the real world. I've been back to work for 5 weeks now. It really doesn't seem to improve. 

We are moving into my mom's house. It's a better neighborhood and it's where the kids go to school. They have friends there that they can walk or ride bikes to their houses. It's going to be a lot of work. We need to build a new fence in the back yard before we can move in because of the dogs. We will be moving all of her stuff to the family room and then bring our stuff over.  Then we will move her stuff to our house until we figure out what to do with it all.  We will do that room by room. 

Monday, October 03, 2016

Over and Over

I feel like I'm losing her over and over again because I forget she is gone. Each time I feel like my heart has stopped.

I feel like if I accept she is gone then she really will be. If I want her back I have to just deny she is gone hard enough and she will come back.

Monday, September 26, 2016

Random thoughts and things

I keep having dreams about my mom. In my dreams my mom doesn't say anything. It's almost like her body is there but she isn't.

I love autumn and I want to look forward to it but I feel like I can't. Because how could autumn, or any season be good without mom?

I keep thinking that I should give her a call because it's been awhile since I talked to her. The realization that she is gone hits me each time.

I just want to hurry up and get through life so I can be with her again. But I don't like that I keep getting further from the last time I talked to her.

Everyday, at least once but often more than once a day, I think, "Mom is gone? No that's not right. She can't be gone. She is the one person besides my kids that can't be gone.

I probably have said some of this stuff before on here but no one is reading it but me so it doesn't matter. But in case someone shows up someday and thinks I repeat myself, well I guess I do.

Monday, September 19, 2016

Every Day Takes Me Further Away

I hate that I get further from the last time I talked to my mom every day. I had a dream the other night that I would be able to talk to her one last time if I hurried but I wasn't fast enough. I sometimes feel like she's just out of reach. I could get to her if I just could go back to her house. Of course I do go back to her house to feed the cats and of course she's not there. And sometimes it feels like she's so far away. I can't remember the sound of her voice.

And I feel like I can't do anything fun or look forward to anything. I should have done more with her when she was here. I should have made sure she was more included. Why do I get to do fun activities when I didn't include her while she was here? And looking forward to anything knowing she won't be here is just heartbreaking. I always loved fall. I was dreading it earlier in the summer because the kids would be back in school and I enjoy the free time when they are not stuck doing homework all evening. Now there is a cloud over everything knowing that mom won't be here for all of our family activities. Last year Steve and Kirsten and the family and Mom came over on Halloween for dinner and trunk or treating. I was looking forward to something similar again. I still would like to do something but it won't be the same.

I hate this.

Thursday, August 25, 2016

It hurts so much worse now. Every  time the phone rings I think it's mom. And every time I have that gut wrenching realization that it can't be her. I have nightmares and I go from not sleeping to not being able to stay awake.

Brett was off last week which helped. Now he's back to work and it's tough. I miss him and I feel so alone. I am not feeling like a winning parent lately. I yell and lose my shit. I'm so agitated.

Today I sat in front of a grandma and a daughter in law and listened to them talk about a little boy just like my mom and I talked about Jack when he was little. I felt like I had the wind knocked out of me.

I took the kids shopping for school supplies. Finally. I'm about a month late. That was $240. Still have to buy clothes. I put everything off because I feel like I can't enjoy anything because she's not here. I usually enjoy back to school shopping. Nothing is enjoyable anymore. She would have been proud of Jack checking prices and comparing quantities. He basically shopped by himself and I watched.

I go back to work in a little more than a week. I feel ready once in awhile until it all falls apart again and them I'm terrified. I have to change my schedule. It was so early before which worked when they could be at her house in the morning and afternoon.

I feel like even though I appreciated her but I didn't show it. She knew I loved her but I didn't show it well. I was not a good daughter.

Friday, August 12, 2016

It has been 4 weeks since my mom passed. It doesn't get easier. I feel empty and alone. I'm not alone - I have my kids and husband. It's a different kind of alone, one that I can't explain.

I find myself saying "mom" without even knowing it until someone says something. I also say my husband's or kids' names randomly like that. I feel like I'm shaking only if I hold still you can't tell.

Every day takes me further from her.

Monday, August 08, 2016

Hidden Crazy

I'm back. I didn't know where else to go. For years I shared stories here and followed stories that others posted. Then came Facebook and this fizzled out.

I came back because I remembered my mom's blog and I wanted to read some of what she wrote. Mom's gone now. She passed away of sepsis from a kidney infection not quite 3 weeks ago. I'm dying a little on the inside every day that I'm without her. I guess I seem like I'm doing ok to other people. Maybe I've gotten better at hiding it with my years of experience with GAD and depression. My natural inclination is to keep my crazy hidden as much as I can. I've gotten much better at hiding my feelings.

I can't sleep except when I can't stay awake. I cry hard and then the tears run out and I'm left with that uncomfortable feeling in the center of my eyes and nose which tells me I need to cry but I can't anymore. I don't worry though; I know that they will be back.

I think most of us have that ONE person. The one who knows us so well that difficult conversations are had more by body language than spoken language. The ONE person isn't just someone you love, but someone you need. This person can comfort and reassure better than anyone else.

My mom has always been my ONE. When Amelia died she sat with me the hours that Brett was at work. That was such a hard time. As hard as that was, this is so much worse. But what do you do when the only one who can really comfort you is the one that's gone?

I have always seen people who lose a parent begin to function in the real world so quickly. What is wrong with me? Sometimes I can barely breathe. I just want to give up. If I didn't have kids then I probably would.

I need her to come back. This feels like a horrible nightmare that I will awake from. When I picture her in my mind I think "Oh, no worries. She's the one I absolutely can't live without. She will be back." It hurts to find out over and over again that she won't.