Nathan Feuerstein (NF)

It's not easy growing up as the big brother to twin sisters. My mom was always my son's rock. When we found out we were having twins, I asked her if she would pay special attention to him because I knew that the babies would require lot of attention from us due to their likelihood of being born premature, not to mention other people would be enamored with them even though babies really don't do much and don't need people to ooh and aah over them. I was afraid that my 3.5 year old man might feel left out. I wanted him to know how special and loved he was and know that he was not being replaced by the twin terrors. Of course this wasn't asking too much of my mom because she adored him. She was a soft place to land when life at home felt unfair or burdensome. I remember when he was probably 8 or 9 he threatened to run away. I asked him where he was going to go and he said he was going to Yaya's house. I was always so grateful that he had somewhere to go where he felt understood.

My mom's death hit my son hard. So when he found new music that spoke directly to him, I had to hear it. Nate Feuerstein or NF as he prefers to be called, is a young Christian rapper who has crossed over into the mainstream. His style reminds me of Eminem and indeed I believe he has worked with Eminem. NF's music is gritty and emotional. He speaks of depression and anger which really hits home after mom's death. Suicide comes up too and to be honest that made me nervous until I remembered that I can't pretend it's not an issue by plugging my ears to it and hearing about it does not convince people to do it.

My favorite song by NF is "Mansion". It talks of a house with different rooms for different difficulties such as regret, anger, and physically abused. There is also a safe room where no one is allowed to enter for fear of getting hurt, because once someone has been in all of your rooms, they have all the power to hurt you. Ok so I'm putting words in his mouth. I'm not sure if that's what he meant but that's how I interpreted it because that's what my safe room would be. I'm not sure what would be in my son's safe room but I am glad that NF is giving him the inspiration to dig deep and figure it out. Sometimes someone else can verbalize a negative feeling that we didn't even know we had which lets us work through it whereas we couldn't before. Naming it is the first step to conquering it.

I have seen that some parents want to discourage their kids from listening to NF. They are probably worried that their kids will get ideas. I've got news for them, your kids have the ideas already but they likely don't have the tools and skills to work them out. And guess what? They're not coming to you to get help.

So I bought NF's albums even though I can stream them, and I bought shirts for my kid. Because I want to support the artist who supports my kid. And if I could sit down and talk to NF, I would tell him how important he is and how much of a positive influence he is in young people's lives. And I would tell him that I would never try and replace his mom but if he wanted an auntie who would be there for him, I am here. It breaks my heart hearing how he feels alone. I know what it's like to be surrounded by people but feel all alone.

Life

I signed the kids up for a grief group at the local children's hospital. They have a support group that meets at the same time for the parents. We went for the first time night before last. It was good. The kids do fun things and talk a little about how hard it is. I'm also going to a bereavement class. I have learned a lot already. I like the people in the class a lot. They are all very kind. It's a crap shoot when you mix a bunch of strangers up like that.

Last week I had a mini panic attack when I remembered that my mom was cremated. I thought Oh My God we can't undo that. I just can't accept that she's gone. It doesn't make sense because I know that she is gone but when I think about what that means my mind just shuts down and I start crying.  

I spend a lot of time at my desk crying quietly and hoping no one walks by and sees me. I was off work for almost two months after she passed and I have to rejoin the real world. I've been back to work for 5 weeks now. It really doesn't seem to improve. 

We are moving into my mom's house. It's a better neighborhood and it's where the kids go to school. They have friends there that they can walk or ride bikes to their houses. It's going to be a lot of work. We need to build a new fence in the back yard before we can move in because of the dogs. We will be moving all of her stuff to the family room and then bring our stuff over.  Then we will move her stuff to our house until we figure out what to do with it all.  We will do that room by room. 

Over and Over

I feel like I'm losing her over and over again because I forget she is gone. Each time I feel like my heart has stopped.

I feel like if I accept she is gone then she really will be. If I want her back I have to just deny she is gone hard enough and she will come back.

Random thoughts and things

I keep having dreams about my mom. In my dreams my mom doesn't say anything. It's almost like her body is there but she isn't.

I love autumn and I want to look forward to it but I feel like I can't. Because how could autumn, or any season be good without mom?

I keep thinking that I should give her a call because it's been awhile since I talked to her. The realization that she is gone hits me each time.

I just want to hurry up and get through life so I can be with her again. But I don't like that I keep getting further from the last time I talked to her.

Everyday, at least once but often more than once a day, I think, "Mom is gone? No that's not right. She can't be gone. She is the one person besides my kids that can't be gone.

I probably have said some of this stuff before on here but no one is reading it but me so it doesn't matter. But in case someone shows up someday and thinks I repeat myself, well I guess I do.

Every Day Takes Me Further Away

I hate that I get further from the last time I talked to my mom every day. I had a dream the other night that I would be able to talk to her one last time if I hurried but I wasn't fast enough. I sometimes feel like she's just out of reach. I could get to her if I just could go back to her house. Of course I do go back to her house to feed the cats and of course she's not there. And sometimes it feels like she's so far away. I can't remember the sound of her voice.

And I feel like I can't do anything fun or look forward to anything. I should have done more with her when she was here. I should have made sure she was more included. Why do I get to do fun activities when I didn't include her while she was here? And looking forward to anything knowing she won't be here is just heartbreaking. I always loved fall. I was dreading it earlier in the summer because the kids would be back in school and I enjoy the free time when they are not stuck doing homework all evening. Now there is a cloud over everything knowing that mom won't be here for all of our family activities. Last year Steve and Kirsten and the family and Mom came over on Halloween for dinner and trunk or treating. I was looking forward to something similar again. I still would like to do something but it won't be the same.

I hate this.

It hurts so much worse now. Every  time the phone rings I think it's mom. And every time I have that gut wrenching realization that it can't be her. I have nightmares and I go from not sleeping to not being able to stay awake.

Brett was off last week which helped. Now he's back to work and it's tough. I miss him and I feel so alone. I am not feeling like a winning parent lately. I yell and lose my shit. I'm so agitated.

Today I sat in front of a grandma and a daughter in law and listened to them talk about a little boy just like my mom and I talked about Jack when he was little. I felt like I had the wind knocked out of me.

I took the kids shopping for school supplies. Finally. I'm about a month late. That was $240. Still have to buy clothes. I put everything off because I feel like I can't enjoy anything because she's not here. I usually enjoy back to school shopping. Nothing is enjoyable anymore. She would have been proud of Jack checking prices and comparing quantities. He basically shopped by himself and I watched.

I go back to work in a little more than a week. I feel ready once in awhile until it all falls apart again and them I'm terrified. I have to change my schedule. It was so early before which worked when they could be at her house in the morning and afternoon.

I feel like even though I appreciated her but I didn't show it. She knew I loved her but I didn't show it well. I was not a good daughter.

It has been 4 weeks since my mom passed. It doesn't get easier. I feel empty and alone. I'm not alone - I have my kids and husband. It's a different kind of alone, one that I can't explain.

I find myself saying "mom" without even knowing it until someone says something. I also say my husband's or kids' names randomly like that. I feel like I'm shaking only if I hold still you can't tell.

Every day takes me further from her.